ew.

So one of my exes came into work the other day.

we didn't end on the best of terms, with me all punching him in the face and stuff.

i told some co-workers that he was around and they wanted to know the situation.

well, i said, we met at the bar, and after an on and off love/hate thing, i think we maybe hooked up, but i really don't recall. he's really super skinny, and one of those cocky, braggart, i-know-more-than-you types.

-hugging him was like hugging a bag full of wire coat hangers-

everyone laughed at that.

that's why i'll never date one of those indie rock skinny jean wearing douches again. i like my dudes with at least some muscles. or above 2% body fat. i'm not perfect, i hate waking up to someone who thinks they are.

more dating

back in my 'hey day' i was a fun-loving girl looking for a good time. now, i'm a fun-loving girl looking to get drunk and dance her ass off surrounded by people she knows once every two weeks.

yeah.

anyways, back when i was living in akron, i had a studio apartment on the third floor of a building a couple blocks down from one of my hangouts. well, being the 'artistic' type, i hated the fact that i had to lug my garbage down four flights of stairs on a VERY NARROW stairwell, and then, walk half a block up to where the dumpsters for our building were. it was winter, at this time.

so of course, there were about four big black hefty bags full of trash sitting in my extremely tiny kitchen. i couldn't even open the fridge. i didn't let that fact bother me, cause it was saturday night, and it was drinkin' and dancin' time.

at the bar (this one was across town), i proceed to get very drunk with some acquaintances. i notice, however, this very adorable Skater Boy giving me the eye while he plays pool in the back with his friend. he has sandy blond hair, nice lips, and looks really good in the jeans he was wearing.

we eventually strike up a conversation, although for the life of me i cannot remember who said what first. well, the night goes on, and i say i'm going to head home.

Skater Boy- "Um, did you need some company?"
Me- "Sure, but you have to do one thing for me. If you do that, you can stay the night."
Skater Boy-"Anything!" (sigh, i wish i could hook them in like that nowadays!)
Me- "You have to take all my garbage out."
Skater Boy- "What?!?! You're joking."
Me- "Nope. Deal or no deal."

Cut to Skater Boy looking horribly disappointed when he not only saw how much garbage i had, but where he has to dump it.

but he took that trash out in record time, and he got to stay the night. ;)

more dating

I'm currently dating a great guy. He's super awesome and has put up with a lot. But hey, he doesn't know about blogspot so that gives me free rein to tell dating stories.

Well, lesse, I've dated a fair bit of weirdos and losers. Although to be honest I have had bad taste. Hey, everyone's been young and having fun.

There was Super Shy Guitar Guy. See, I'd had a thing for him for awhile, and had finally gotten him back to my place. The guy, to be honest, wasn't that attractive. He drank too much, had thrown up on my car, and had so far refused any kind of sexual below clothes contact.

Cut to my apartment. We're going at it, and, in the middle of things, he asks, "Hey, can you do me a favor?" and gestures to his penis. I ask, "Um, you want me to go down on you?"

"Yeah, like..a favor.."

So I obliged.

Oh man.

Worst man-bush ever.

There's a phrase from gay guys called 'The Shield'. It's where you take your hands, and make a trianglular hole (between both of your first fingers and thumbs) to let the penis through but not the rest of that stuff. The rest of your hands block the bush from tickling your nose, and making you sneeze (you know your jaw clamps sometimes when you do that? Yeah, bad idea.)

If you do it right, the offender won't even know you're trying not to get a hairball.

Damn, last time I did THAT guy a 'favor'.

ah jeez

I was dating this one guy, let's call him Red. Now Red wasn't that attractive, and frankly, he was a raging alcoholic, and treated me like crap. But I was young, and he could be very funny and charming when he wasn't raging drunk.

Our sex life was at best, mediocre, mostly because he lived with his Grandma, and anything we were able to do would have to be done very quietly. I lived with my parents at the time, so sometimes we would sneak into my house and make out, eat food, have sex, etc.

Well this one incident happened towards the tail end of our six month relationship. As usual, we had snuck into my house after drinking, and I was giving him a blowjob whilst he was sitting on the couch. I was going at it with my usual drunken enthusiasm, when suddenly...FFFTTTTPPPPTTTT! Right in my face, accompanied by a horrible smell.

That's right. He farted in my face while I was giving him a bj. His excuse? "I was relaxed."

Sigh.

This is the same boy who, at the end up our relationship, explained why HE was breaking up with ME (I still argue it was mutal). "Well, see, you're the hottest girl I've ever been with, and other girls see me with you. So I figure if I break up with you I can get someone hotter."

My parting line? "You know why I'm breaking up with you? You're fucking crazy."