Our Former Downstairs Neighbor
I am so glad you're finally out FOR REAL this time. I will give you a list of reasons as to why I am so happy.
-The first month you were there, you called our landlord (a very cool person) and complained about us having a 'marching band' upstairs every morning. Well, it's an old house, as you well know. We actually have to get up that early FOR OUR JOBS. We do try to be as quiet as possible but maybe you should stop sleeping in til noon??
-When you told us we were 'too loud' and you had a daughter that was hearing us. I've never seen this daughter. I would know if I saw her, cause we live in the same house as you and I woulda heard a kid. It's just funny that your mysterious 'daughter' was never around when you and your buddies smoked so much pot, it drifted into the vents in our place and made it smell like a Grateful Dead reunion. I never told the landlord about that.
-Ooh, or how about for Memorial Day, when I had some people over (three girls, who I took all the way upstairs to our finished attic so as not to disturb you), YOU CALLED THE COPS AND SAID THAT MY BOYFRIEND WAS BEATING ME. You've met my boyfriend. He likes fluffy things and plays video games. Really? I know we live in a semi-bad area, and maybe all the baby mommas and ghetto fucks you associate yourself with do those things to each other, but we don't. Thanks for not letting me ever have my friends over again, cause they're terrified you're gonna call the cops.
-Yeah, okay, you're black. You're tough. I get it. How about you don't go towards the sterotypes? No? Okay then. Play extremely loud rap music downstairs in the middle of the week, when normal people have to work tomorrow. Smoke a whole bunch of pot with your retard buddies. Oh yeah, by the way, that one friend of yours that has a handicap sticker in his car and a back brace? He doesn't look so hadicapped when he's helping you lift stuff and work on your car. Oh yeah, and talk on the phone really loud about how you live with a bunch of 'motherfuckers'. And play your car stereo SUPER LOUD when you drive by or wash your car for two hours.
-Oh, that note you left on my car when I parked in 'your space' was hilarious. The house is on a street. I parked in front of MY HOUSE. Your car wasn't there. Oh yeah, that's right YOU HAVE TWO CARS AND FULL USE OF THE GARAGE IN THE BACK OF THE HOUSE, WHICH CAN HOLD TWO CARS. I'm so sorry me and my bf had to park on the street, getting our cars dinged up and vandalized.
-When you said you were moving out the first time, a few months back, I told the landlord we wanted to see downstairs. Oh man. The recycling bin full of 'Meukow vs. Vanilla' was awesome. I had my bf walk upstairs on all the squeeky spots. Hmm, I didn't hear shit. It's funny that way, huh?
-And then when you told the landlords 'Oops, sorry, I'm not moving out' after they'd already been interveiwing people for the apartment? REAL FUCKING CLASSY. It made them look like assholes and well, you already know you're a stupid dickhead, so I guess there wasn't much change there.
-Thank whatever deity is finally putting you out of our lives. I like how your stupid ghetto friends drove their truck right up on the front lawn so you wouldn't have to walk so far with your shitty belongings. And I like how they banged on my door, laughing and shouting 'what's in here?'. That was icing on the cake.
-But you know what? I'm just so fucking glad you're gone.